Slow Metamorphosis

I have been MIA for the past few days but alot has been going on, especially to me...who loves to sleep. I am working on posting about the goings ons for this past weekend but I just want to say I feel good today. I am semi-rested and all is well.
We have a meeting for our job today which can be good or bad. lol. Only time will tell. Our company sold to another company and they are slowly and surely taking over. Right now everything is kinda up in the air, but there have been rumblings, so we shall see what happens today. I just hope if we are going to get laid off...that they do it after Chicago. *sigh* is that bad. LOL
In any event, I will post stuff bout my weekend this afternoon when I get home. Does anyone know how to post multiple pictures in one blog post....cuz a sista sure is having some trouble with that.

I am sooo estatic, I am writing this blog entry using my newest gadgets...my new laptop and my wireless router. So I am in bed, typing away, this is SOOOO cool.
Perhaps I have taken my love of technology to new levels but who cares. WHOOOOHOOO!
I am wireless baby!
TEHEHEHEHE
ok I am off to surf the net...does this mean that I can shop in bed? hell yeah!

Golden has tagged me, I have to 10 Things I Love and then tag 3 other people so here goes....

10. Laying up in the bed on a rainy Sunday and watching a string of movies all day
9. CHOCOLATE AND CHEESE - dont ask ok!
8. A good book
7. Good Food
6. Good Friends
5. Holding hands and talking till one of us falls asleep and then cuddling all night.
4. Saturday lunches at my house with the entire fam
3. Chatting it up with my mommy
2. A looooong deep and passionate kiss which eventually leads to....*ahem*
1. Being in that place where I am happy and content with ME.


Now that thats done! I have to tag 3 people.......

Lifestyles of the Poor and Nameless - Ro
yorbabble - Yve
God's Child - D
and one more ok!
Jorge - Im not sure if you have already been tagged but what the hey!

If I bite my tongue anymore today.....I will lose it.
My coworker is really pushing me to the limit today and I SWEAR to goodness that I am so ready to CUSS my coworker out. We have been working on a mailing, we only do it 4 times a year but it takes about a week and thats with ample help. Lately, it seems no ONE wants to help our department with these mailings. All of a sudden everyone is too busy and that goes to the heart that our department is taking on ALOT of work and things are really always on a perpetual deadline all the time, but come on now! So this mailing it was just my coworker and I, lets call him Moe cuz he acts like a damn STOOGE! Now I'm the type of person that if something needs to get done, I do it. I may not like it, I may hate it, but if it's in my job to do it, then im gonna do it. I will come in early leave late whatever it takes. He is the total opposite of that. He only works from 9-5, I mean NOT a second past 5, and sometimes your lucky if he makes it in for 9. He spends the majority of the day on IM talking to his girlfriend who by the way he lives with, if their not on the phone then they are on IM. My thinking about that is whatever, I dont care but if we have to do something that require your full attention, then give it your full attention.
Case in point. We are doing the mailing....he has to make frequent calls to check in with his girlfriend, they talk then they may argue, in which case he calls her back every 5 minutes to argue. Then if you turn your back for 2 seconds he is gone back to his desk to chat on IM. Apparently, he has started working a second job at night so this past mailing he takes frequent naps. We are finished getting the majority of the mailing together but there are a few minor details to finish up, he can't be found...where is he? at his desk...you guessed it....talking to his lover. I mean give me a freaking break! So now I'm sitting in the conference room, because I can't carry all the stuff back to my desk, I call him and he has the nerve to be like oh come one, you can do it by yourself, at which point I lost it. I'm getting really tired of his ass, as long as I dont have to work with him immediately, I am good, but the second we have to work on something together I want to pull my hair out. I'm done venting.
I read on Nikki's blog to kill them with kindness but can I just kill him?

A friend of mine left about an hour ago to go on vacation. She is traveling to London, then Paris and then Spain. I am soooo jealous I cant even think straight. I should be on vacation right now. I feel so burned the hell out, like I need to be on somebody's beach somewhere laid out. Traveling is something I enjoy and recently, I have been thinking about just doing it on my own, since I can never get anyone to go with. I have decided to write a list of all the places I want to go.


Africa
France
Spain
Italy
Greece
UK - went once but would love to go back
Switzerland
Australia
Bahamas
Bermuda
Aruba
St. Croix
St. Kitts

For now this is my starter list. They arent really in order but I can tell you that Africa would be the ultimate for me. There are some places in the US I would like to go but I know cheap seats will always be available for last minute trips there so Im not worried.
Where would you like to go?

Ok I went to the writers seminar last week only to be told I was a week early, so yesterday I did the same thing again. Got all spiffed up and got there right on time only to be told that the seminar was yesterday. WHAT?? I had missed it. I dont know WHY I thought it was Wednesday.... I feel like a damn fool. I was so upset...with myself....for being so damn forgetful that I just took my ass home, primarily because I also managed to forget all my cards and my money in my jacket pocket from the day before. I have the tendency to not write anything down...I keep everything in my head. Dates, checks I wrote that should be clearing....things for work that I have to complete, even performances that I have to do. Everything. But lately it seems that I forget things. Lots of things. Important things. Does this mean that my memory is going already? I think I need to go ahead and get myself that Palm after all...that could just be my inner gadget talking. ahhh needless to say Im really tripping over missing so much this past month.

But what I could have stood to miss, I didn't. I got home in time to catch ANTM. And Did I call it or what??? Naima won! YAY! And as for Idol...Im mad they sent Vonzell home and not Carrie with her wooden self. UGH. Oh well. I think in the end its clear...Bo Bice is going to win.

So I am posting all late today because I have been and will continue to be in the conference room for the rest of this week. BOOOO!
Anywho....Last night I finally caught American Idol and let me tell you... Bo Bice is one sexy Bastard! with his Alabama behind. I am really feeling him right about now. After he did that totally acapella song which isnt easy to do lemme tell you. I was pleased....I was in a trance. He is gonna win. Even tho I am also rooting for my girl Vonzell and what is up with Seacrest calling her Vonzie! UGH. Cutting the chiles name all up! Shame!
Also I cant WAIT to see who wins for Americas Next Top Model and DONT nobody tell me either cuz I am missing it tonight and I wanted to tape it but in my typical fashion I walked out the house this morning and forgot to do it, so Im gonna try and tape it Friday. I have been rooting for Naima since before the show even started. I think she is going to take it ALL way...although my second choice would have to be Kahlen cuz Keenyah is working my last nerve. I was dying when Brittany BLEW Up her spot when she was trying to figure out why she was crying when they went to see Nelson Mandelas prison cell. She said " she didnt even know if he was alive or not" HAHAHAHAHAHA oh the bellyaching laughter. lol.

*This is a double post since I posted it on my hair blog as well....but I thought I would bring it over here...get some valuable advice.*
For all those who don't know I am in the process of going natural...no more perms for me. Im currently in the transitional phase, im enjoying it for the most part, I can see all the new growth with these braids and all but I'm ready to get scissor happy and cut off all the perm but I want to wear braids cuz I always and still do hate coming my hair in the morning....Braids make my life way easier.

So I am finally taking these stale braids out of my head. I was going to take them out this week and then get them redone on sunday but my homegirl is coming to NYC from NC next week Thursday and she wants to get her hair braided while she is here, sooooo to kill 2 birds with one stone I will just take my braids out on sunday and then get it redone on Thursday. The problem is the 3 work days in between. lol. WHAT TO DO! I want to just rock a wig...how about that? is that scary enough for you? Maybe I can just some of this aloe vera gel and slick it back into a teeny ponytail. Im leaning towards the wig. lol. Well we shall see. I asked my cousin to take me this weekend to look at some wigs and if I find a cute one then I will cop it if not....well I gotta figure something out. Any suggestions?

Yesterday afternoon I had a meeting with this guy from The US Department Of Defense. He had called last week to let me know he was coming in to meet with me because a friend of mine had put me down as a reference. I was a little in shock cuz I have never heard of someone actually coming to meet you in person....phone call yes...but in person....no. So I tried to give the BEST report I could give of her, we went to H.S. and we still keep in touch we went to St. Thomas together the summer before last and she is a cool person all around. I was glad to do it. But you know being a reference like that kinda freaked me out. I mean what if I said something I shouldn't have and then she does't get the job?Will it be all my fault? Maybe something I said? I dunno.... I hope she gets it so I can take all the credit. lol
On a side note about jobs. Doesn't it seem like no matter where you work, no matter what you do...there is that one coworker that makes you want to draw back and smack the SHIT out of him/her? Well let me tell you yesterday was one of those days FOR REAL FOR REAL! You know I'm trying to not let situations get the best of me but DAMN! I can't stand slackers. I can't stand when your slacking and I have to make up for your slacking. It burns my buns.
Let me stop talking about this now before my headache comes back.

When I was 9 my sister and I joined my parents in NYC. For about a year or so we had lived with my grandmother in Jamaica while our parents worked and saved and got things together for us. When we first moved here we lived in St. Albans Queens with a lady by the name of Mrs. Simmons, my parents had met her by happenstance. She rented them one room in her home. When we arrived, all four of us lived in that one room.

When we first arrived here and we lived in that one room, I attended a predominately all white elementary school. I was one of the few black people in the whole school, and it was hard to get us in because we were not zoned to that school, but my mom fought for us to get in and so we did. When I started going to the school, I had an idea of how “American” kids talked and so I tried my best to emulate what I thought was American diction. I failed miserable. I ended up sounding like an English person, accent and all; and so the other white students used to crowd around to hear me talk like I was an exhibit at a museum or something. “Talk” they would say. It would give them a good laugh when I would say certain things….they swore I was from London or someplace. My sister whose accent was MUCH stronger than mine just didn’t talk at all. The other piece of “entertainment” I offered was the fact that at 9, I had a whole head of grey hair. And so from elementary school all the way up to junior high I was teased. I was called every name you could think of but my personal favorite was Grandma Moses. It was painful growing up being teased about things you can’t control. Children can be cruel but I find that adults can sometimes be crueler.

A few months after moving in with Mrs. Simmons we moved a number of times after that. We moved about two houses down into Grandma T’s basement apartment, a year after that we moved into a 2 family home where we rented the upper floor and the attic, then we moved to Rosedale Queens where we rented a house and a year after that my parents purchased their own home in St. Albans.

We do alright. I’m working, my sister is finishing up school and we do what we have to do. But now there are people who make stupid comments that really piss me off. Like the person I will refer to as G. Someone I know is dating him and he comes to our house often. I don’t have a problem with him, except when he tries to tell me that I talk white. I talk white? WTF. I don’t speak “hood” English….I am in fact in love with the English language and I am not going to butcher it. I feel like because I speak “proper” English does not mean that I am trying to be anything other than who I am. There was a time when I would cuss, fight and act a fool (during my rebellious days) and that was not who I was. I was trying to be what I thought other people expected. But I am glad those days are over. I don’t curse that much anymore because I felt back then the reason why I did that was because I lacked the capability to effectively describe my emotions through words. Now I can.

I am the blackest person you will ever meet, I know where I come from and what I had to do and endure to get here. No one else knows my struggles besides be and the people I choose to share it with. In addition, I feel a sort of responsibility and a duty to represent my “people” well. Like my parents always used to tell me, when you go out and people see you they judge you by what they see and by what they think they already know. I am going to put my best foot forward because stereotypes abound and I’m not going to perpetuate them. But to G….I’m corny because I talk the way I do, I’m corny because I won’t spend the money I’m saving for my house to get a car and dip it out. I’m corny because I would rather wear shoes than sneakers and I’m corny because I ask him to stop always talking bout sex in my presence. I’m corny.

Then I’ll be that.

Today was my cousins baby shower, we had to drive up to Cortlandt Manor NY. Ok lets talk about a long drive!!! But it was nice out there...real open spaces and just beautiful. I took some pics....that I posted below.
It was nice seeing her again she lives in VA now and I would really like to go one weekend and visit her. Perhaps I will rent a car and take the drive down. She looked good, she is carrying much smaller than I expected and she is due in July.
Anyway I's tired...Desperate Housewives is on, so enjoy the pics

Unchained Beauty 

Yellow Starburst 

White Flower 

Today I have to go to church because I have to work in the Treasury office but I really dont want to go. I have had this bag that I got the materials before but just didnt have the time to sit down and do it so I started it this morning.

The Finished Product

This is how much I have done so far

Evening Sky 

LIRR 

Dr. Face 

I have been incog-negro all day. My manager is out and as usual when that happens her emails and calls get forwarded to me and so needless to say it's been a pain in the rear.

Anywho, I had my appointment yesterday with my new dermatologist. Her office is a stones throw away from my job and she is black which I thought was a major plus. I figured she was black, so she could relate to my special skin care needs, because the other dermatologist I went to was Indian and STANK! I mean her attitude was so dry, it doesnt make me want to go back to her.

So Dr. Face's (as I will call her) office was cute, it was a very relaxed and nicely decorated place. She had a huge picture window that looked out over the water and she had tons of plants in front of the window and a lil fountain with rocks. It was cute. Then this big hairy monster of a dog came out from an office out back while I was filling out my patient information. I mean it was a big black dog and then a little while later a big white dog came out after it. One of the other girls in the office with me started to freak out a little bit asking the receptionist in a slightly annoyed voice..."IS THIS YOUR DOG?" TO be honest, I dont have a problem with dogs but to have a dog in a doctor's office? I dunno about that. I got in the office and she told me to take off all my clothes save my underwear and put the cloth gown on.............screeeeeettttcccccch.

What? The last time I went they didnt ask me to get totally nekkid. I dont know if this was a good thing or a bad thing.....she did a full body check...which I guess is a good thing. But I went there to get help with my oily skin and the only thing she told me was. "yeah you have oily skin". Um i know that. basically she couldnt do anything to help me, she said to wash my face more often.....
Yeah so I am paying this $20 copay for nothing. I mean she aint telling me nothing I dont ALREADY know. I mean she knew her stuff but at the same time I wanted MORE. I wanted her to give me some secret concoction that would soak up all the oiliness and make my skin dewy and not oily. Alas there is no such miracle and I am on my own. She did give me samples...Me like samples.

I got an email last week about a Jill Scott, Erykah Badu and Queen Latifah *scratching my head* concert at Jones Beach. I wanna go, but have no one to go with. So I have really been contemplating buying 2 tickets and just going by myself and then selling the other one to any taker. The problem is this? Everytime I want to so see someone I like in concert, I ask a few friends, they are always ready to go, but then ask me to wait so they can get their money right to get the tickets..we wait and when we go for tickets....SOLD OUT!
I dont want to do that...cuz I sure did miss Jill Scott a few times before I caught her, and I missed India.Arie which I'm still pissed about. To buy the tickets or not to buy the tickets that is the question....
What do you think?

So yours truly really played herself. lol. I really lost all track of dates and times and all that. I left work yesterday at 6ish to get to the writers seminar for 7. I figured I would get there and be a little early because all I would have to do is hop on the A,C or E and take it to 42nd street. The place is between 9th and 10th ave so at best I would only have to walk about a block and half. Aight, get on the train only to have them give some announcement that nobody could hear, because the station folk are giving directions outside of the train and then the conductor is giving directions inside the train....all I ended up hearing was something about a police investigation at 34th street and the C train was going express...or something like that. So Im like cool...take me right to 34th thats less stops and I will be there quicker than I thought. WRONG! they re-routed the train on the F or the R line who knows....anyway I end up at 42nd street alright but on 6th avenue. Now 3-4 blocks is not that far to walk EXCEPT if your in NYC where the city blocks are the equivalent of 3 blocks AND there are THRONGS of people in Time Square cuz its Times Square and its the crossroad of the world AND I had to be cute and I was wearing heels. wedges but heels no less. The last thing I wanted to do was show up late AND sweaty to this thing, so I ran across the street to catch the bus. I really could have walked faster than the bus cuz it was stuck in traffic and the lights and the people....you get the idea. Anyway I get to 9th ave and the place is right across the street and I have about 5 minutes to spare. I walk in tell the lady what I am there for and she replies "I don't know of any mediabistro event" I look at the paper and at her...and blink...and blink...
"what is today's date?". I asked
"Oh its the 11th"
"DOOOOHHHH, It's NEXT Wednesday!!"
"Well at least your early for next week"
"Tehehe"
I'm such a dweeb. I have been doing that the past few weeks mixing up dates and crap, forgetting things. maybe thats my brains way of telling me I need a PalmPilot? lol Let me stop. So now I'm not single but still sexy and free of this obligation and I'm already out here, so I decide I should find something to do with myself. HMMMM. God thought so too cuz he put a HSBC ATM right in my path and I ran in and took out $40 bucks, saying to myself if I can get a ticket to anything with this then I am going. My intention was to go to Duffy Circle or Square or whatever that thing is called and get a cheap seat to any show, but then I figured that meant I wouldnt be getting out of the city until at least 10:30 since all the shows started at 8 and who wants to be coming home all late when I have work in the morning, so since at this point I had only made it to 8th ave, I decided to go see a movie....alone. I love Mos Def but the show he was in didnt start for a minute and I wasnt waiting, but I got a ticket to see Crash and got me some snackies and got there just in time to NOT see all 30 minutes of the previews. The movie was good, it made me think about racism and how little we know about each other in this day and age. We think all black people are gang bangers, that money makes you happy, that all darker skinned people from the Middle East are Arabs....and I could really go on and on about this but I will do that later. lol. It was a good movie, everyone is connected in some way shape or form, much like it is in the real world and I really feel like if we took the time to understand and really know...HALF of the problems we have in our society wouldn't exist.
I got out the movie....and I felt sad. I stood in the lobby of the movie theatre and saw all the people walking through Time Square...everybody rushing to go someplace and no place and the only thing I kept thinking was, if someone really wanted to do damage, this would be the perfect place to do it and there would be nothing that anyone could do about it. And I really could go on and on about that but I won't.
So it's 9:10 and I am about to go home, I check my cell and L has called, I call him back and he is on his way to the city to get me. Apparently if Im in the city too late he will come and get me cuz....he worries? So we met up at Red Lobster in Times Square and we ate, and talked and laughed cuz he is so crazy. I told him me alone in the movies....cost me $20.50, by myself! aint that some stuff? So we sat there and calculated the date of the couple across from us how much they would pay for a simple date....and we also calculated how much our first date cost. I feel sorry for men....dating aint cheap these days.
On the way home, we got stuck in traffic coming off the Brooklyn Bridge and we listened to FunkMaster Flex. You guys heard the song by Bobby Valentino? Something bout don't turn around cuuz the pretty round thing looks good to him? UGH. Anyway L loves the damn song, but I kept telling him this Valentino character is a ONE HIT WONDER! lol... he was aghast. but its true! How many singers you know ocme out with one good hit and then after that, they are gone for good, these people dont know that being a singer is a hustle, you got to work! and you get one good song and your flossing like you did something, when you should be working on your next hit....
How many one hit wonders can you name?

I liked this quiz thing so here it goes

Your Birthdate: August 28

Your birth on the 28th day of the month (1 energy) adds a tone of independence and extra energy to your Life Path. The number 1 energy suggest more executive ability and leadership qualities than you path may have indicated. A birthday on the 28th of any month gives greater will power and self-confidence, and very often a rather original approach. Unlike much of the other 1 energy, this birthday is one that endow with the ability to start a job and continue on until it is finished. You may prefer to use the broad brush, but you can handle details as well. You are sensitive, but your feeling stay somewhat repressed. You have a compelling manner that can be dominating in many situations.

Tonight is the mediabistro seminar: My Life in Plain View:Writing and Publishing a Memoir. It's supposed to help people who want to write a memoir and to give them tips on how to do it, and get it published. I have my cute lil ensemble on :) cuz I'm vain. So we shall see how it goes. I was supposed to be doing the orientation for the BRC tonight as well, but since I knew I had this thing I met up with him on Monday. Anywho. Writing a memoir.... does writing a memoir mean that you have to share some crazy story about being involved in some devious affair, killing your lover and/or be deeply deeply disturbed for it to be warranted as a good memoir? My fear is that I won't be able to effectively communicate my feelings into words. But above that is the fear that some of the things I have done or gone through would KILL my mom. So I think Imma have to write under some kind of pseudonym or wait till she is dead to publish it. No for real. My mom is the type of person who takes everything personally, it will be all about how she failed and its so not like that but I don't want to here her going on and on and on about it. lol

P.S. - FoxyBrown - Now you got me feeling bad cuz Im supposed to know but I don't. I have a regular ole white ipod...no fancy color and no shuffle. I dont know how to work the shuffle....but if you let me know what it is that you are trying to do....imma see what I can rustle up. ohh you should take a look at http://www.ipodlounge.com/

I stole this from les....but I love this song. I was jamming to it at the gym on sunday..so I will share

We sell crack to our own out the back of our homes
We smell the musk of the dusk in the crack of the dawn
We go through "Epidodes II," like "Attack of the Clones"
Work 'til we break our back and you hear the crack of the bone
To get by.. just to get by
Just to get by, just to get by
We commute to computers
Spirits stay mute while you egos spread rumors
We survivalists, turned to consumers
Just to get by.. just to get by
Just to get by, just to get by
Ask me why some people got to live in a trailer,
cuz like a sailorI paint a picture with the pen like Norman Mailer
Mi abuela raised three daughters all by herself,
with no helpI think about a struggle and I find the strength in myself
These words, melt in my mouth
They hot, like the jail cell in the South
Before my nigga Core bailed me out
To get by.. just to get by
Just to get by, just to get by
We do or die like Bed-Stuy through the red sky
with the window of the red eye
Let the lead fly, some G. Rap shit, "Livin' to Let Die"
This morning, I woke up
Feeling brand new and I jumped up
Feeling my highs, and my lows
In my soul, and my goals
Just to stop smokin, and stop drinkin
And I've been thinkin - I've got my reasons
Just to get (by), just to get (by)
Just to get (by), just to get (by)
(ba ba ba, ba da bada, ba da bada, ba da bada, ba da badahh
Just to get (by), just to get (by)
Just to get (by by by by by by)
(ba ba ba, ba da bada, ba da bada, ba da bada, ba da badahh
Just to get (by), just to get (by)
Just to get (by by by by by by)
We keep it gangster say "fo shizzle", "fo sheezy" and "stayin crunk"
Its easy to pull a breezy, smoke trees, and we stay drunk
Yo, I activism - attackin the system, the blacks and latins in prison
Numbers of prison they victim lackin in the vision
Shit and all they got is rappin to listen to
I let them know we missin you, the love is unconditional
Even when the condition is critical,
when the livin is miserable
Your position is pivotal, I ain't bullshittin you
Now, why would I lie?
Just to get by?
Just to get by, we get fly
The TV got us reachin for stars
Not the ones between Venus and Mars,
the ones that be readin for parts
Some people get breast enhancements and penis enlargers
Saturday sinners Sunday morning at the feet of the Father
They need somethin to rely on, we get high on all types of drug
When, all you really need is love
To get by.. just to get by
Just to get by, just to get by
Our parents sing like John Lennon, "Imagine all the people watch"
We rock like Paul McCartney from now until the last Beatle drop
This morning, I woke up
Feeling brand new and I jumped up
Feeling my high's, and my low's
In my soul, and my goals
Just to stop smoking, and stop drinking
And I've been thinking - I've got my reasons
Just to get (by), just to get (by)Just to get (by),
just to get (by)Yoyoyo, yo
Some people cry, and some people try
Just to get by, for a piece of the pie
You love to eat and get high
We decieve when we lie, and we keepin it fly
Yo yo yo yo
When, the people decide, to keep a disguise
Can't see they eyes, see the evil inside
But there's people you find
Strong or feeble in mind, I stay readin the sign

I had my eye on this white grecian dress with gold threading through it. I mean I was stalking the dress on ebay...and wouldn't you know it at the eleventh hour some trollop outbid me. I was so HOT about it but I wasnt about to spend $50 to win this dress. I wanted to wear it to my cousins *ahem* surprise baby shower this weekend. My family can be so corny sometimes but I love it...for her shower everyone has to wear all white. That's what I do for my birthday everywhere, since I was like 10 every year on my birthday I wear all white. It's sort of like my own little tradition so to wear all white to this baby shower seems appropiate and I'm loving the whole theme. For her bridal shower everyone was required to wear something that had yellow in it. Needless to say, I have to figure out what I will be wearing for this shindig, I have an idea but I'm not 100% sure what the weather will be like so we shall see.

My body is in pain...Yes after weeks of procrastinating I finally went back to the gym and now im all hurt up. So much so that I prolly wont go back anytime soon. lol. nah hopefully I can go today after my mom and I go get my cousins gift for the baby shower.

Needless to say I hope to be sharing my first set of pics from the shower with you. All these love ladies all dressed in white. lol

For mothers day I got up early and made a big breakfast for my mom and my grandmother. Woke em up....cold all in their eye....lol. They were happy. Now I dont know about you but I have a sister who stayed in bed and came after all the work was done...only made 2 cups of tea and came in hollering happy mothers day like she had done the brunt of the work. UGH Slackers. They are everywhere.
What did you do for mothers day?

As you may remember, I had decided that instead of complaining about how terrible life is, I was going to do something about it. So I signed up to volunteer at a few places. Today I met with the director of volunteer services at the BRC and we chatted it up for a bit. So I will be doing some work with the homeless and such. Right now they are getting the program together so in the coming weeks I will be getting more involved with that. I am looking forward to it. He asked me how I would feel being with people who are mentally challenged, substance abusers or both. I don't know. I mean I wont know until I'm actually in the situation. L on the other hand thinks I am going to be a basketcase, probably because he knows more than anyone how ultra sensituve and emotional I can be, plus I get attached to people I care about and he thinks that I am going to be boo hoo crying everyday. I think....thats a definate possiblity. But for along time I stayed away from people because I didnt want to get too emotionally tied to anyone and then end up feeling too much pain over the situation. Been there done that. But the need to be cold and distant results in not feeling and I realize that I need to feel and to feel deeply. It's one of the BEST qualities of being human. So we shall see how this experience turns out.

I got my cam! YAY
It's sitting on my desk and I keep glancing over at it cuz Im so ready to get it started.

I was messing with some words today, practicing some of my writings trying to develop this piece I have been working on. I hope you like...

On a good day…

I feel like a powerful, maternal, sensual negress that can that conquer the world. The spirit of love and overcoming seeps through my pores and floods my atmosphere with “good vibes”. I can do any and everything with one hand tied behind my back and still manage to be put together, witty and get to work on time all while sashaying down the street to the tunes flooding my brain. I can create….words that speak to the heart of who I am; even with my temperamental ever changing moods. I am perfect in my imperfection, the brightest day to my darkest night, and the embodiment of my own metamorphosis.

On a bad day…

My demons creep and crawl through the floor boards. They engulf me; swirling about in mass confusion wrapping the shame of my past indiscretions so tightly around me, I fear I won’t make it. And even if I could, I shouldn’t want to. They drain the life from my spirit, sucking the will to change from my very marrow. I am left in a state of desperation wanting to believe in the possibility of change but drowning under the weight of my imperfection and weakness.

Today is a good day :-)

I ordered a new digital camera...I can't wait till that bad boy gets here. I want to be able to take more pictures to share with you and anyone that will look :-)
I also want to track the progress of my hair so this thing betta hurry up.

I got the Canon Powershot A95

And by this I mean Public Displays of Affection with your Significant Other.

I love to kiss and be kissed. I could kiss for hours, but I can't just kiss anyone. I have a think about mouths and them being yucky....ok thats another story all together.

The other day I was on the train going home (doesn't seem like all my stories happen on a train) and I happen to look up and see a couple....tonguing each other DOWN on the platform. Now like I said I love to kiss, I liked to be touched, in general I like to be intimate with my SO but for the love of Jehovah...GET A ROOM!!!!!

I don't have a problem with holding hands, kissing and some cases of public sex or exhibition, been there done that, but to just be standing on a train platform deep tongue kissing in front of children and the whole freaking world really....I just think it is slightly inappropiate. And they were so young on top of that.... I dunno.

What do you think

InRotation: No Scrubs by TLC.
Jamming to this joint HARD today at work.

On the train to and from work I notice that men are just.....shameless.

They don't give seats to women, in fact if they both of you are walking towards the same seat they will damn near shove you out the way. If they see a woman coming on the train who might need a seat, they will a) pretend to be sleeping b) bring the newspaper up so that they can pretend they are ENGROSSED in what they are reading or c) just straight look at you up and down.
I have seen men sit and not give up a seat for both elderly and full blown pregnancy women. I mean I have given up a seat before men on the train would.

Correct me if I am wrong.... but wasn't there a time when men would get up and give a lady a seat? Or isn't it right to give an elderly lady or a woman who is heavy with child a seat on the bus or the train?

It's hard for me to sleep some nights....I wake up at odd hours of the night and my mind is uneasy and overworked.

I went to choir rehearsal the other night, I have been meaning to return from some time so I went and started learning the songs. I had the songs pretty much down, until they mentioned they had an engagement the next day at Corona SDA Church. After I heard that, I was like oh hell no. I couldnt go, I mentally and emotionally am not prepared to go back to that church.

The last time I was actually in Corona Church was in the Spring of 2002, specifically it was April 25, 2002. It was for a guy who I had dated for a little bit, our relationship didnt last but our friendship did. He was such a wonderful person, he had a wonderful spirit and a smile that was infectious....that smile was something everyone talked about at his funeral. Only the only thing I could remember of him was the way his face was swollen beyond recognition in the casket and how no one could conclude their speeches or their songs because they all broke down in tears. I remember his sister who was at that time in jail, crying while she sang their favorite song, and then afterwards being led away in handcuffs and ankle chains into a police van to be driven back upstate. I remember she pressed her face to the window and was crying so hard.... I remember how dreary that day was even though it was spring and the sun was supposed to be shining and the birds chirping... I remember my pain.

And I associate that pain with that place.

I can't go back there.

I keep his funeral program in the top drawer of my side table, because I want to look at the way he was...I want the memory of his impish smile to overshadow the memory of that day. It hasn't worked really, but I'm still waiting for time to heal these wounds.

R.I.P.
Carlos Anthony Chandler
April 23, 1980 --- April 20, 2002