Slow Metamorphosis

Yesterday while I was at work my sister called. (sister who just came up from Jamaica) I think I recapped briefly that she and I have the same biological father and different mothers and I was looking forward to spending time with her and getting to know her better. She called me at work to see how I was doing and somehow as it always does the convo comes back to our bio. I call him the bio and I refer to him as her father when she and I speak because lately I have had a hard time claiming him as my anything. I have a lot of anger and resentment towards him and I honestly feel like these issues have made it hard for me to be the person that I want to be. Anyway, he came up in our convo and she went on to tell me how she felt about him. And I couldn’t speak. If my lips would have opened I would have been a wreck, crying and all that so I kept my mouth shut. And in classic form instead of telling her how I shared every one of her sentiments I told her I had to get back to work and I would talk to her later. I was relieved to find that she felt the same way I did for all these years and that I wasn’t alone because for the longest time I felt that way.

I am a repressor I hold shit in, let it ferment, I hold grudges like no ones business. I will forgive in some circumstances but I NEVER forget. And lately I find that instead of talking shit through with folk, I am more prone to just let them go. I used to let people get away with murder and treat me any ole kinda way because I thought that I didn’t deserve better. Well I assure you dem days is OVA! When you do me wrong I keep it moving….I don’t stress over it, I don’t need closure (RO) and I don’t need to sit there and rehash every moment…I just let it go. If I can let my biological father and his antics go…I can let random non blood people go. But I digress. So needless to say, listening to my sister talk and hearing my own thoughts falling from her lips to my ears was in a way a blessing. It kinda soothed my feelings of being alone in this matter with my bio and when I get the courage to bear my heart I will sit down and tell her how I feel. But that may not happen for some time to come.

A few months ago I wrote this post….it was a writing exercise at best to help me put some things on paper and work through some feelings I was having and I think now would be the perfect time to share it….so here it goes.

Silently, I have gathered my words over time like delicate gems I barely want to share. I waded and plunged through the miry depths of my emotions and tears to find the truth that lies within. I searched each and every hidden place and emerged covered with the evidence of my internal pain but nevertheless I yield the fruits of my labor. You lay perfectly still in sweet repose and all I can taste is bitterness rising from the pit of my stomach. I look at you and I see my eyes, I see my mouth and I know that we shared similar nuances unique between a parent and their child. But you are a stranger to me. And I am a stranger to you. I thought that I would find the love you never gave me. I am ashamed and angry that I never got to truly love you, and as a result I never truly loved myself. It took me years to look in the mirror and like the eyes that peered back at me. It took me years to understand that my circumstances weren’t entirely my fault. I used to say if only….if only I could have said and truly believed…..

“My daddy will find you and he will kill you for hurting me...”

You never came and you never avenged my honor. You never sought the men who hurt me as a young and impressionable child. I knew that if you would have confronted them, that I would gain my resolve back; I would be able to walk with my head held high. I would know that it wasn’t my fault and that you would handle it all. If only. I thought I would find it during my midnight rendezvous with now forgotten par amours. But all I got was thumbs pressed into the soft meaty flesh of my thighs. I allowed them to slide their hands and slithered their warm bodies between my thighs, hoping they would leave some semblance of love inside, some warmth to heat my chill. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case and it was too late before I realized the shocking reality, that instead of giving, they took the little I had. These encounters left me hollow and empty inside and like the mighty oak in the darkest forest; I crumbled into the weight of my emptiness and collapsed into deep dark silence. I cry today not because I will miss you, but because I will never get to know you. Never get to know you like my other siblings did and never know what the love of a father and a daughter should be. We never speak about these things, it’s like they never happened. Perhaps you think if you ignore our past we can move on. But the wise man knew to not to build his house on sinking sand; and so our relationship which has no foundation will never stand. So the only conversations are my own, the ones that occur between my silent sobs and my salty tears. It’s a one-sided conversation at best and in the end I am still alone and hurt. It is this hurt that I carry in my chest and deep in the pit of my stomach that burns my eyes and at my throat, threatening to explode on the subway or any unlikely place. I weep for the lack of feeling. I can’t remember what I don’t know. I can’t honor someone who never honored me. I can’t love someone who never protected me. I can’t even find a tear to cry for you.

Real love is what happens after the honeymoon period.

It comes after that time when you first meet and everything is gravy because you don’t know the person well enough for it NOT to be gravy. It comes after the late night phone calls into the wee hours of the morning, after breakfasts and late dinner, countless dinners, movies and shows. It comes after the initial dating and romantic gestures, teddy bears, candy, cards, flowers and even the occasional weekend trips out of town. Anyone can be enamored with the person who is putting their best foot forward. But after all that….the hard shit comes.

Then you have to put up with your “love” and their temperament, dealing with schedules and making compromises without losing yourself in the mix somewhere. It comes with family, friends and FOLK putting their 2-cents where the 2-cents DO NOT belong. It comes with knowing what you want and trying to figure out if the two of you are headed in the right direction. It comes with a lot.

Before I say this let me first say I wasn’t saying this on the first or even the second date. I said this when I thought there was a potential for more of if they asked. But when I was dating hardcore I told every man that I went out with early in the beginning…”I do not date to date, I date to find my future husband”. In short, please do not waste my time. If you know that you have no intention of ever getting married, of ever having children, of having a job or career that you are happy in, of ever owning your own home and all that, the beginning is the time to speak up…speak clearly. I don’t want to hear 3 years down the road…ohh well I changed my mind. Now don’t get me wrong…things change and situations change and all that, but as long as we have the same basic fundamental goals and beliefs then we should be straight.

I was wrong. There is so much more. This is more than a permanent dance partner, more than a lover and a friend, it is sooo much more.

I am the first person that my friends call, write or email when they have relationship drama. I don’t know why they think I have all the answers. I give great advice but at the end of the day we ALL know that there are things that you never see, factors that don’t get factored in because quite simply, I’m not there all the time. I don’t know. All I know is what you tell me, all I can see are the tears and all I can hear is the frustration. But I do know that even though it may seem hard to let go, I KNOW that sometimes you just gotta do that. Let that shit go. Let it go, let it go, let it go. It will hurt like hell…your heart may feel like its about to fall out of your chest, roll on the ground and into the sewer, you may be a wreck, crying in the train trying to cover your face from NOSEY commuters all up in ya damn face, You may never want to go outside and you may want to just lay in the bed and cry for days; CRY get it out! Be miserable, be upset, be lonely but in the long run….it will be so much better. Why stay with someone that you KNOW deep down in your heart is NOT the one? All because you LUB them.

Forget all that. I need me a ride or die love, A love that has my back no matter what, A love that will push me to pursue my dreams even if they don’t like it, A love that will accept me for every single flaw, A love that agrees to disagree, A love that can make me laugh so hard and make me cry just as hard cuz I feel some shit so deep I cant even begin to explain it….I will take that love any day.

We all have our own different views on what we want and need, so if you ask my advice…I will give it. If not? Then I will let you lead your life as you see fit, but don’t get mad when I tell you what you asked for but didn’t get what you wanted to hear. At the end of it all remember this

Together and Miserable or Alone and Happy…horny but happy…no date but happy. LOL

We had a funeral this weekend for a fish Strokey. He died and upon our backyard autopsy we discovered he had a tumor! Is it something in the water????? So we buried poor Strokey in our backyard, had a few words and put a cross where he lies.

I came into work this weekend. Why does it seem like no matter how much work you do there is always more waiting. I swear I am NOT working this weekend….I don’t care what needs to be done. I think I want to go lay out in Central Park or something, maybe go to the beach and just lay on the sand cuz I am NOT getting in that water.

I saw a little boy this weekend that couldn’t have been anymore than two. He was with his father and was fully decked out. He had a baseball jersey on, pressed jeans with creases in them, the Jordan throwback sneakers, and a gold bracelet on his wrist and around his neck a matching gold chain……with a pacifier hanging on it.

This weekend NO trains were stopping at 34th Street, not even the LIRR. The reason? Apparently a man threw a backpack at a transit worker and yelled bomb and proceeded to run. So now in the wake of that the backpack searches are REALLY in full effect.

The man who London police shot and killed last week was totally innocent…they take full responsibility. Now isn’t that a relief??

This morning on the news they reported that police would now be doing random searches on buses and trains (subway) as they see fit. I rolled over in the bed….they repeated it and it really sunk in. What???? So basically I could be going to work and if they think I look suspicious or fit the description of a bomber or my bag is too big then I can be pulled over to a barricade and searched. Now aint that some stuff. On the way to work they announced it over the PA system. Police are in FULL force in the city. Before you could walk around and maybe see a few but NOW they are in EVERY station in PACKS walking the platforms. It seems like every morning there is a police investigation going on at Jay street and as a result all the trains are held up while the coppers walk car by car…..looking for the person that “fits the description”….

To be honest I Totally understand the need to be cautious seeing as though we lost an immeasurable amount of valuable human lives with the bombing and subsequent collapse of the Twin Towers. I wasn’t in NYC at the time but I was paralyzed from the sight of it. I know that an ounce of prevention equals a pound of cure. I know that the bombings in London and the shooting a suspected terrorist yesterday puts everyone on edge to say the least. I also know that terrorists more often than not strap the explosives to their body and just wear a bigger shirt. They are not going to be walking around with a duffel bag with a bomb that can sink Manhattan (Knock on wood). Should we be searching all the folk with oversized clothing? Cuz then…pfft black men watch out!!!!!

I know all of the fear and the apprehension that goes along with not knowing what these terrorist cells are cooking up. I know all that but I sure as hell don’t want police stopping me all willy nilly in the street because my bag is too big, and if you know me I always got a big bag. This makes me nervous…it eats away at my civil liberties, NYC is slowly and surely turning into a police state. Soon they will be kicking doors in and ambushing folks homes just cuz they think you got some shit…..that doesn’t sit well with me.

In fact it makes me quite nervous.

I had a dream that I won a huge amount of money. After taxes and everything I brought home a sizable amount of cash. In the dream, I paid off my student loans and oh how good it felt to just write a check for the full amount. I paid off all my bills, paid off my parent’s house, put money into a trust fund for my younger brother, gave my sister 100,000, gave my cousin the down payment for her house and brought L and myself brand new cars and brought a house. Apparently L and I were married and he told me to put the rest of the money in the bank….ok. All things considered this is a pretty good dream if I do say so myself….and I do. However, this is when things start to get cooky. Instead of taking the money to the bank, I bury it in a big metal container. I mean wads of cash now, balled up and banded with rubber bands. Buried. In my back yard. And then of course I am so paranoid that I stay home day and night not wanting to leave the house because I was afraid someone would steal it. Lol. DUH!!! That didn’t make any sense at all. But that was the dream. I wonder if there are any interpretations for this?

All in all though aside from burying it in the back yard….I would do all those things. Invest some in the stock market, buy some rental property and put the rest in a money market fund and that would be the end of that. I would quit my job and volunteer at places that have my heart, specifically places that try to raise money for sickle-cell, lupus, breast cancer and homelessness. If anything I would still get a part time job because idleness is for the birds. And I would be traveling like a mug…to all the places that I have ever dreamed of going. Talking bout that some of my friends are planning on going to Brazil next summer…..do you know HOW live that is gonna be????????????????

What would you do if you won a sizeable amount of money?

Yesterday was a really hard day for me. I have officially moved into my new position and all sorts of things have been going wrong. The database is NOT co-operating and then my operations manager accidently deleted a file I need to work off. LOL. All things considered I am surprised I didn’t get rained on. Lol. I am going to push on I know that the first few weeks in any position is the hardest, its when you have to figure out how to freak things and get them done right so now that I am here, I will do what I have to do to make it through, make my deadlines and get this book out ON TIME!

It was hotter than blazes yesterday, Hot and muggy for no reason at all. UGH. Its sooo nasty. I like the heat but the humidity can go. I had planned to go to all these events in the park and all that but who wants to sit out in the sweltering heat and melt away? Not I said the Cat. Lol

My sister has moved from Jamaica and she will be living in NYC for now, she is trying to go to grad school but right now she is just trying to find a job. I am supposed to be going over there to hang out with her and chill a bit this weekened. She needs to money to buy a bed which I will have to check into my funds and see how my money is looking since I just paid of two of my credit cards…she should have caught me before I did all that. Lol. But I am sure I will be able to swing something but again we will see. My brother is coming down from Canada this weekend too so we will get the chance to all hang out which doesn’t happen too often.

Long story short, we are siblings, different moms, same dad….HMMM…we are all born the same year one after the other each 2 weeks apart, in the same hospital in Jamaica….aint that a blip??? LOL So now we are adults and while I didn’t know them growing up they are a part of my life now. The only thing is and I suppose this is due to a lot of reasons which I wont go into but I didn’t know them or my dads side of the family growing up. So now its very hard for me to be over there all the time because in my mind I feel like I don’t really know them. I mean we are family but like I wouldn’t cry, fart or go without taking a shower for a day in front of them, which in mind is a clear indication that your connected. Lol. Excuse my warped sense of justification. But yea I know them but I don’t know them. And sometimes I am ok with that but other times Im like damn that’s kinda messed up. So since my sister is here, I have pledged to make the effort to go over there often and spend time with not only her but with them.

I swear the D.M.V. is hell on earth. Why do they make you go through all the rigmarole, spend hours sitting in there waiting for your number to pop up only to tell you….”sorry miss but you need such and such and you don’t have it”. Anyway I got ticked off and I left. L met up with me at my house and he, his daughter and I went for ice-cream at Coldstone Creamery and went to the park. I love Coldstone….they have the best ice-cream ever! L’s daughter is gorgeous but she had a little episode and he was……

She say some girls with tricycles and she wanted to ride, but they had left the park. So L tells her he will get her her own tricycle soon and she should just continue to play. She stood there and wouldn’t move, she held her head down, clasped her hands over her ears. I tried to talk to her and I thought I was making headway but as soon as I put her down she returned to her original stance. You should have seen him and her….I was like wow. He was so firm with her and I was like I don’t know how you do it because with the FACE that one put on, I would have hunted down that other little girl just to get her a bike. LOL.

Sunday I pretty much vegetated all day…cleaned…cooked…even baked some damned muffins. Lol. But that was pretty much it…a very uneventful but relaxing day and that’s the way I like it.

This week has been a bitch.....

I have been taking it all in stride trying to meet all my deadlines and then trying to help my "old" department with some work as well. I officially start my new position today and got paid accordingly...YAY BABY! I move to my new space on Monday and I am ready to go. The thing that trips me out the MOST is Moe. I know I have bitched about him enough BUT lets just let one rip just for the good ole times. He knows about my new position, my moving, my not working with this department exclusively. Yet I can’t for the life of me understand WHY he has people giving me work. I sat at my desk the other day trying to make my production deadline for the book I’mworking on and about 3 people just kept piling more shit on my desk. So I’m like why are you giving this to me? “Moe said to give them to you”. Why would you do that? Don’t you think it’s time to take the reins? To assume your new role? To step up to the plate? NOPE. But to be honest I’m not even mad anymore. I’m just chuckling to myself because it’s already starting to show. We, including me have all been coming in to do extra work to meet this deadline…which by the way we missed….we were supposed to be done Tuesday….we are still plugging away with no end in near sight. My boss had gone on vacation for a few days and was mortified when she came back and saw that so much STILL needed to be done. Now I was doing the responsibilities for my new position so my focus wasn’t on this...so I can only say….hmmmm. Then yesterday he comes and asks me how to do the mailing….the same mailing we have been doing for 2 years….he doesn’t even know how to run the queries…smh. That’s what happens when you never take the time to learn…you fall by the wayside homie. Lol. He went on vacation yesterday…left us in the pile-up. But it’s all GOOD! I will come in to work this weekend and help out as much as I can but Monday I got new fish to fry and I’m OUT!

I sat down yesterday and watched Bei.ng Bob.by Bro.wn on Bra.vo. (that’s alliteration for ya). Why are these people such fools! I mean I could go on and on about how bizarre they are. Why does Whi.tney keep adjusting her clip in hair? Why does Bob.bi Kristina keep putting her hands up in her fathers face? And why is Bob.by such a grown ass child? Also why does his mouth lean to the side like that? Looking all shiny and spittle laced. YUCK which brings me to the constant kissing….who could put their mouth on that!!!!! It was so crazy…too crazy but like a car accident I couldn’t turn the channel…I had to watch. They are a mess!!

Edit-Oh Nai!!! Thank you for reminding me about what I originally wanted to say....WHY DID they them Jamaican people have to act like that? I was soooo mad at that girl for asking for 160 pounds to pay her rent...even madder she was rubbing her ass on his crotch...and even madder still when they showed the girl begging for his chain!!! Beggin asses!

Ok So I am FINALLY posting pics from my trip to Chicago. They are all (for the most part) on my flickr account. Of all the pics I took this is probably my favorite. I just love the shadows and the light and I think it came out just the way that I saw it....and I managed to capture it. This was outside the Cheese.cake Fac.tory after our first night there. I guess all you have to do is click on this pic and it will take you to my flickr account so if you wanna skidaddle over there and check them out....KEWL!

Well in this pic, its the girls and I at Carmines Restaurant. As always I had a good time with these folks and the food was good and plentiful....actually that may be an understatement. They are called a southern italian place so their food comes in these HUGE plates and then everyone shares it. SO needless to say you know I have to post a pic of some of this food.

It is raining so hard here today
and while I like the rain
I like it more when I am up under the covers or at least in my own home.
Trudging through the rain is NOT my idea of fun.

I woke up late this morning. Literally my mom rang my bell to tell me it was time to go and thats when I jumped up out of that coma I was in. So you know how that is.
I plan to go home and clean....put away my clothes and possible do some laundry from my trip. Take my braids out and sit and ponder what I am gong to with my hair...even tho a large part of me wants to just lop it off and just go from there. I will figure it out becuase I hate sitting here and wavering back and forth about what I am doing with this head. Then I will take a long hot shower and jump in the bed and wrap myself up and drift off into oblivion till sometime tomorrow. I am still out of sorts today so this leaving on summer hours will do me well.!!!

Sayonara!

Since this blog is my outlet, it’s my party I can bitch if I want to then Imma DO just that!

Thursday - My flight was scheduled to leave N.Y.C Thursday morning circa 7 am and to arrive about 8:45. You know how I love being last minute with everything? Well at 1 am I got a call from my airline saying that my flight had been cancelled and I was put on a flight leaving at 1:30 pm instead. Needless to say I was miffed but what could I do. I called the airline back to confirm that they had in fact cancelled (can’t trust random phone calls alone) and if I could get on an earlier flight to no avail. My flight was scheduled to leave at 1:30 and didn’t leave until mush late and I ended up not getting into Chica.go until about 4. I got to the hotel, changed my clothes and headed over to The Ta.ste where I met up with Mr. W.; he lives in Chi.cago and he is an old and dear friend that I have known for some time. When he found out I was coming to Chic.ago he graciously offered to take us around and show us the city and I graciously accepted. Mr. W walked around The Ta.ste with us and then we went back to the room and got ready to go out for dinner. We went to The Che.ese.cake Fac.tory and ate and yukked it up and then headed back to the room.

Friday- First thing we had breakfast at a restaurant called Michaels North, where their omelet’s are HUGE! I mean it seemed like they made it with a dozen eggs and then had the nerve to include hash browns and these HUGE slices of cinnamon raisin bread. Each slice was like three regular slices in one. Then we headed over to the lyn.ching exh.ibit being held at the Chic.go Hist.orical Society, which was very touching. I had to choke back a few tears as I made my go round. I felt an obligation to read every placard and look at every picture because it was a definite testament to the struggle. It was very graphic and very touching and I had a jumble of emotions from sadness to anger. I think you have to see the exhibit yourself, look at the pictures and just really take it all in. They had a wall of all the known victims of lyn.ching and I did take a pic on the sneak tip, so I will share it. After the exhibit we went for a little shopping and then headed over to the Arts & Cra.fts Festi.val, and ended up purchasing a cute little bracelet to add to the collection. Lol. We headed back to the room to change and then meet up with the other blog.gers at Gior.dano’s for dinner. They were soo cool. Mr. It is what it is – DaOriginal, Sun and her sister, Carol, Antoinette, Cee, Shasta, Kel, Danjaruz and Keish were all in the house for this and we ate and drank and were merry. Lol. After that we split up from the rest of the group and headed out to Wild Hare which is a reggae club, not too long after that Cee and Carol came over to join us the dancing commenced. I danced with Mr. W and BPM who attended sat on the stool the whole time complaining of being tired until she eventually came over snatch Mr. W by the arm and demanded she was ready to go home. So we did. She went to sleep and Mr. W and I ended up sitting in the lobby of the hotel talking and yukking it up. From what I hear Cee and Carol closed that place DOWN! Good Job Girls. Lol

Saturday – We didn’t get out of the hotel until late, got to Kel house and chilled until other people started arriving for the BBQ. There was some spades playing and trash talking and we ended up playing a game of Scrabble. Kel Thanks for opening up your lovely home to us. Kel had a lil puppy that was SOOO darn adorable. She was the cutest thing ever and everyone was petting her and disrupting her from her nap, oh apparently she has a foot fetish too cuz she was nibbling on folks toes. Lol. Our time at Kel house was shorter than most because BPM wanted to leave to go shopping and then stepping. As it turns out stepping isn’t that big of a deal in Chi.cago as the R Kelly videos make it appear. Lol. But nevertheless on the way back to go shopping Mr. W and BPM got into an argument on the train. Over what? Who knows something about her not liking the way he spoke to her and that he was disrespecting her. I stayed out of it because I didn’t see the point in it and I wasn’t even paying attention when the argument started and this aint high school so I’m not “jumping in”. We ended up going back to the hotel room – no shopping no anything – and I didn’t go on vacation for this. So I’m trying to figure out what we are doing. So with the biggest attitude EVA I am told by BPM that she isn’t going outside because it’s too cold so I get ready to see the fireworks at Navy Pier and she ended up going to dinner with Mr. W’s friend.

Sunday – BPM left nice bright and early and I got dressed and packed and went roaming on the Magnificent Mile. Was first in line at Garrett’s Popcorn and ventured over to the Hershey store by the water tower. Came back and sat in Millennium Park for a little bit then took a cab to the airport.

All in all – aside from the unnecessary drama I had a good time in Chic.ago. I could go intot further details but I will leave it alone cuz it's not even worth it. Since this is about progressing and moving on I have to look at what I can take from this experience. I now know that there are people that you can travel with and people you can’t. People who can chill and have a good time and let shit roll off their shoulders, and there are people who like to argue about every DAMN thing. I chalk it all up to a lesson learned and that shit won’t happen again.


*As for the pictures they are coming, I left my cam in L's car but when I get it, I will go ahead and upload my pics.

I'm BACK BITCHES!!!

Alright I am back from my lil trip to Chicago and I have lots to say and some pics to show. I am going to have to update a lil later when I get myself settled. I had to call in today because I can't possibly make it to work today. A sista is tired.

I hope you all had a great 4th, I know I did. I went up to Jersey with L and Reenie. She is out of the hospital and alright.....well sort of... but thats a story for later.

Anywho...I will be back in a few once I upload my pics